What to do when… your child asks about death

‘Mummy… when you die, will we have to get you out the door and bury you??’.

TRUE STORY. Kids can be brutal. When my 4 year old asked this at the dinner table, I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry! But seeing as he’d started the conversation, we had to talk about it as best we could…

We asked our resident Clinical Psychologist, Dr Zara Rahemtulla, to help share some tips on what to say when children (inevitably) ask questions about death, so that you don’t get caught out like I did. Although he meant this in the most innocent, literal way, the panic and confusion I felt upon hearing this was real.

The whole situation prompted a lot of reflection on my part – as well as the impetus to get my own will and end of life plans sorted. We have also reached out to a top online will provider, Guardian Angel, to help give other parents peace of mind and to raise money for our chosen mental health charities – MIND and PANDAS Foundation. Find out more about our half price offer here.


Dr Zara’s Top Tips on What to Say When Your Child Asks About Death

You are not alone if you find the prospect of talking about death and dying impossible. Usually in our Western, British culture we avoid talking about these concepts, and go to great lengths to ensure we don’t have to discuss them with anyone. But our world has changed in recent weeks and for many of us, its now a part of daily life.

Talking about this topic is a complex and personal task. People have different beliefs, cultures and family stories that must be honoured, heard and understood. My intention with these tips is not to tell people what to do, but to help provide some guidance, reassurance and understanding when faced with answering these questions from children – especially pre-schoolers.

1) Acknowledge their questions

The first thing we need to remember is that children have already had some exposure to death in various contexts already – they see insects die when playing outside, and they may hear about it in their story books, nursery rhymes and cartoons.

They already know that death exists, but they are not developmentally sophisticated enough yet to understand its permanence – or its context within their own lives. They take their cues from us, so trying to avoid their questions or pretending that they don’t need to know about it, may make them feel more worried rather than less.

Help support them by being open, and let them know it is OK to talk about the subject.

2) Stick to simple, factual explanations

Its best to give brief, simple explanations to your child. Be factual and use practical language.

For example, you could explain that when people die “they stop breathing, eating, talking, going to the shops” – referring to familiar functions that you know your children will understand.

Avoid saying things such as, “grandad has gone to sleep” or “grandma has gone away” – children will take these phrases literally and may then be scared to go to sleep because of what it might mean to them in their minds. Equally, the phrase “grandma has gone away” may then make a child feel anxious whenever someone “goes away” for a holiday, to work, and so on.

3) Be calm and reassuring

Alongside the above, children will also need extra adult reassurance and care when the concept of death has been highlighted within their lives. It is normal for children around the age of 3-4 to ask questions such as, “When will you die?”, which catch you off guard. Be ready to answer with a calm and reassuring answer, and one that is again concrete and simple.

Possible answers could be, “It sounds like you might be worried that I won’t be here to look after you. I don’t expect to die for a long time”/ “I expect to be here to take care of you for a long time, most people live for a long time.”

If they are older, or probe more about who would look after them, or how they might survive without you, having a will and guardians in place so they know they would be looked after by “Auntie Helen” or “Granny” could be useful (more on end-of-life planning below).

Children rely on their parents to both validate their feelings and relieve their worries at the same time, so by using these confirming and simple phrases, we can help meet their needs.

4) Give it time

If a loved one has passed away, it may take some time for children’s emotions to catch up with what has happened. It’s also normal for children to show no emotion when told that their grandparent has passed away, yet become overwhelmingly upset over their LEGO tower falling over.

A wonderful friend of mine recently reminded me that children’s thoughts and feelings take time to percolate as they slowly put together the pieces of our complex lives. Therefore the golden rule with children is that we must give them time. Give them time to come to us with their questions about death, give them time to show us their big feelings and give them time to speak openly about has happened.

Although I offer some guidance within this blog, what we haven’t talked about is the messiness and unpredictability of death and dying.

When a person loses someone they love, what they experience goes beyond what can be put into words. The experience can be felt deep within the body and expressed in such a multitude of ways that it can catch someone off guard and leave them feeling overwhelmed.

It’s this confusion and overwhelm that is likely to occur in children (as well as adults), which is why allowing space and time for conversations about death is so very important.

Dr Zara x


End-of-life planning

As a parent experiencing this situation, it raised a lot of questions about my own personal attitude towards death.

Why did I feel anxious discussing it with him? 

Why was I trying to brush away thoughts about my own ‘end’ – pretending (to myself at least) as if I’m going to live forever, when I know that’s certainly not true?

I’ve never felt comfortable thinking about death, and as a result, I realise I’ve fallen short on my own end-of-life planning. I hold my hands up. 

In recent weeks, I lost someone dear to me to covid-19. For me, it has never been clearer; to feel at peace with death, we need to accept it is a part of life, to come to terms with it, and to make our plans for it.

More than half of us do not have a will.

As Dr Zara shows above – it is really up to us as parents to break this cycle – to be open, and let our kids know it is OK to talk and think about death. It can be a positive thing too – we won’t be here forever, so how do you want to make the most of life? How do you want to be remembered? What legacy and memories will you leave behind? It’s a reason to be kind.

For parents, end-of-life planning is especially important. If a child is left without a legally appointed guardian, it’s up to the courts to decide who should look after them and it’s not always a straightforward process.

With our busy lives, it’s all too easy to make excuses. 

Too expensive. 

Not convenient. 

No time.

I’ll do it later.

But we believe EVERYONE should have access to a will. 

That’s why we’ve reached out to our friends at Guardian Angel – a top online will service provider – to raise money for charity and to ensure every single one of us has access to an affordable, legitimate will. It can be created in minutes (if you already know your wishes) and completed from the safety of your own home.

For every will completed using Happity’s exclusive offer code, Guardian Angel will donate £20 to our chosen mental health charities – MIND and PANDAS Foundation.

It costs just £45 for a simple single will, or £65 for a joint will (half their normal prices and saving hundreds of pounds vs. traditional lawyers).

Read 5* Reviews of Guardian Angel on TrustPilot.

They have experts on hand to help advise you every step of the way, and human-being professionals who’ll review your will before it’s finalised. There’s also a panel of 9 law firms who can help if you need more complex arrangements.

How To Get Your Half Price Will

  1. Register an account at GuardianAngel.network
  2. Answer the questions if you can – or take a note if you want to think it over
  3. Enter the code ‘HAPPITYEVERAFTER’ at checkout
  4. Show you care – share this offer with your friends and family.

As long as you register your account by 31st May 2020, you’ll be able to use this offer. You can start it now and come back to fill in the gaps later.

Start your will today. Do it for your loved ones, for your children – and for peace of mind for yourself.  No excuses now. 😉


Disclosure – Guardian Angel did not pay to sponsor this post, but they have kindly made a donation to PANDAS on our behalf. Whilst we believe in the importance of this service and cause, Happity will earn a small fee from their referral programme for any completed wills.

#Shoutie Selfie – shout about mental health

#Shoutie Selfie – shout about mental health

We are in our 5th year of running our annual Shoutie Selfie campaign. It was started by Emily (co-founder of Happity) back in 2017 – when she ran MummyLinks. Since then it has gone from strength to strength. Now in 2021 – after the year of the pandemic – we all need to shout loud about mental health more than ever.

What is everyone shouting about?

Do you know five parents? One of them is struggling with a mental health issue. And the likelihood is that all of them struggle with loneliness as some point each week.

Do you know which of your parent friends are struggling? I bet you don’t. And not because you’re a bad friend, but because they are probably hiding it from you.

This is what #ShoutieSelfie is all about. It’s about showing parents that are struggling that you love and support them. That they are not alone, and that it’s ok to feel they way they are.

Why we need to shout loud about mental health

Luckily mental health issues have been getting more and more airtime. Celebs are talking out about it (watch this space for their #ShoutieSelfies!) and normal parents like us are too.

And it’s important, because no parent should feel alone in this.

That’s why I launched #Shoutie Selfie back in 2017 – to help parents out their struggling with their mental health to know they are not alone. I launched it because after struggling for 2 years with Post-Natal Depression and anxiety I started to share my experience and realised it wasn’t just me who was struggling – and knowing that helped me on my road to recovery.

The success of #Shoutie Selfie

I launched it in 2017 (with just 10 days planning and 2 months social media experience, but bags and bags of energy and passion!) and it was a great success. It got maternal mental health trending in just 30 minutes of launching, and a million impressions in the first week.

It’s been a huge success, with over 10 million impressions and the support of amazing charities, organisations and celebrities such as BBC5Live, HeadsTogether, Baby Buddy, NCT, PANDAS, World mental health day, Binky and Jane Felstead, Anna Williamson, Josh Paterson and many more!

#ShoutieSelfie 2021

This year with the pandemic we’re facing a mental health crisis.

The Health Foundation research found that:

More than two-thirds of adults in the UK (69%) report feeling somewhat or very worried about the effect COVID-19 is having on their life. The most common issues affecting wellbeing are worry about the future (63%), feeling stressed or anxious (56%) and feeling bored (49%).

Our own research at Happity in the past years has found that 93% of mums are lonely each week. And that struggling with loneliness makes you 50% more likely to struggle with your mental health.

And with perinatel mental health struggles, even before Covid-19, costing the UK £8.1bn for each one-year cohort of births, something needs to be done.

We need to be supporting each other in understand why looking after our mental health is so important, and how to do it.

How to do a #ShoutieSelfie

So, if you love someone who is struggling – or have/are struggling yourself – of even if don’t know of anyone struggling but want to let those around you know that you support and don’t judge them, please:

  1. Take a selfie of you shouting (feel free to write #ShoutieSelfie on it if you fancy!)
  2. If you’d like to us the official wording make sure you are signed up to our newsletter to hear updates before the big day!
  3. Post it using #ShoutieSelfie on Wednesday 5th May on your social media platforms, tagging 5 friends who understand if you can so they can take part too!
  4. Tag Happity (@happityapp on Twitter and FB, and @happity.co.uk on IG!) and we will share your post 🙂

What to write in your #ShoutieSelfie post

You can, of course, write your own words to explain why you are posting your #ShoutieSelfie. But, if you prefer, we have put together some words that you can use on each of the different social media channels that you can copy and paste.

Instagram:

This is my #ShoutieSelfie
 
It’s to help raise awareness of maternal mental health. And to let anyone suffering know they are NOT alone.

This year, more than ever, so many of us have struggled with our mental health. I’m posting my #ShoutieSelfie to let you know that if you are struggling I support you, I understand you, and I don’t judge you.

I shout loud to let you know it’s OK to not be OK. There’s no stigma. BUT there IS support and help – and things WILL get better.

I shout to raise awareness that we need more free and easily accessible support for those suffering with poor mental health.

I shout because nobody should feel alone.

Will you post your #ShoutieSelfie too?

Tag 5 friends who understand and @happity.co.uk for shares

Facebook:

This is my #ShoutieSelfie
 
It’s to help raise awareness of maternal mental health. And to let anyone suffering know they are NOT alone.

This year, more than ever, so many of us have struggled with our mental health. I’m posting my #ShoutieSelfie to let you know that if you are struggling I support you, I understand you, and I don’t judge you.

I shout loud to let you know it’s OK to not be OK. There’s no stigma. BUT there IS support and help – and things WILL get better.

I shout to raise awareness that we need more free and easily accessible support for those suffering with poor mental health.

I shout because nobody should feel alone.

Will you post your #ShoutieSelfie too?

Tag 5 friends who understand and @happityapp for shares

Twitter:

This is my #ShoutieSelfie. 
If you are struggling with mental health I’m shouting that I support you, I don’t judge you, and you are not alone.
Will you post your #ShoutieSelfie too? 
Tag 5 friends who understand & @happityapp for retweets 

If you want to see more updates about #ShoutieSelfie and Happity please follow us on InstagramFacebook or Twitter.

Let’s do something great!

Need help with your mental health?

If you need support with your mental health please click here.

Supporting Organisations

NCT
Pandas
MMHA
World Mental Health Day
Best Beginnings
Heads Together
Baby Buddy
BBC 5 Live
ITN
Glamour
Channel 5 News