So, you’ve had a baby, you’ve made it through the early days and sleep deprivation with plentiful caffeine, supportive friends and lots of googling. Now it’s all baby massage and baby singing, which is great for development and heart-warming giggles. But what about you? Is it OK for you to have fun too? Even to poke fun at the crazier aspects of parenting? 🤔🤔
Luckily, stand-up comedy for parents is a thing! And Alyssa Kyria, co-founder of Bring Your Own Baby (BYOB) Comedy has been telling us about what to expect at a parent and baby comedy show.
How BYOB was born
Alyssa experienced post-natal depression and was initially nervous about getting out and about with her baby. Then she and fellow professional comedian Carly Smallman had a lightbulb moment over a glass of wine and, hey presto, BYOB Comedy was born. 💡🍷💡🍷
Their day-time spectaculars bring together top comedians in child-friendly venues where no-one will judge you for having to pop out to deal with a poonami mid-show. Phew. Over to Alyssa, who’s been kind enough to give us a taster of what’s in store at one of her shows.
Ten things to say to a mum…if you want to piss her off!
I’ve been mumming for 3 years now, and have had the joy of people coming up to me and feeling like they can say anything they like to me because I’m a Mum. I’m fair game it seems! If you are thinking of approaching a Mum for a chat – proceed with caution. If you say any of these 10 things, you are very likely to PISS US OFF!
1. When are you having number two? (or three or four…)
Nice of you to ask. I’ve been meaning to ask you actually: Are you shagging at the moment? Did he give you one last night? When do you think you’ll be getting some action again? Wink wink, nudge nudge.
2. What a gorgeous little boy!
She’s a girl! She’s a girl! Look at her eyelashes – they are so beautiful – and she’s wearing a pink tutu and a t-shirt that says – I’M A F’ING GIRL!
3. Your baby isn’t sleeping through the night? What?! Oh dear… You need to do controlled crying
I have nothing against controlled crying, hats off to anyone who has done that, but I’m crap at it, and don’t need to be reminded that my baby “should” be sleeping through the night! I am aware of this and have the eye bags to prove it!
And, while we’re on the subject of unwanted advice…
4. You need to… feed her this, put this on her gums, stick this up her bum
I don’t NEED to do anything actually – it’s my child…MINE! Not yours, you sanctimonious (insert your favourite insult here, go on, enjoy yourself!).
5. My baby was… sleeping through the night at 2 weeks/walking by the time he was 5 hours old/did a backflip on his 1st birthday/read War and Peace on the day she was born
Don’t tell us stuff like this, it just makes us feel bad that, so far, our child’s greatest achievement is to :
- Sit up and drool
- Eat his own poo
- Bite a dog
6. What are you doing to lose the baby weight?
Thank you for asking, I really appreciate you drawing attention to the fact that I’m still a lard ass. That’s so kind of you.
What am I doing about this?
Well, I have a strict exercise regime. I don’t do any. I’m very strict about this – and my diet plan, well! I tell you what it isn’t. It isn’t eating whatever bits of crumpet and cheese that the baby won’t eat (it is) , it isn’t ordering a takeaway because I’m too knackered to cook (it so is), it isn’t eating biscuits just to stay awake (it really, really is).
7. So…you’re still not working
Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel at my lack of career. I always feel I have to justify myself when people say this to me – listing all of my endeavours. When what I really should say is:
I AM WORKING! My day starts at 5 am and never bloody ends! I’m looking after a tiny human! It’s the hardest job in the world. Why don’t you come over and try it? We can scrub poo off the walls together…it’ll be fun!
What do you think I do – lie around eating biscuits all day? (well, I do eat biscuits, but usually standing, or crouching down while trying to change a nappy).
So, you’re working now – who looks after the poor little mite?
No-one, I leave him in the car.
It must be so hard for him.
Thank you for that, it’s lovely of you to add to the guilt I already feel for letting someone else look after my child. Funnily enough, money doesn’t grow on trees, plus (and I know it sounds crazy, as I shouldn’t have any needs or wants of my own now that I’m a Mum) I like my job, I have a brain and ambition and I want to inspire my child. And in case you are wondering, he loves nursery and it’s great for him. Furthermore…
IT’S NONE OF YOUR BLOODY BUSINESS! So piss off you patronizing (insert your favourite insult here….go crazy….bust out the C word why don’t you?)!
8. Doesn’t he look like his Daddy? Nothing like you is he?
No, he isn’t. I love the fact that after 9 months of gruelling pregnancy, and a labour that nearly killed me, I produced a little person that has no resemblance to me whatsoever.
9. Oh, she’s tired bless her. Time for a nap I’d say
Oh is it? Thank you for that, random old woman in the supermarket! Is that why my child is having a screaming fit in the middle of Tesco? Funnily enough, he just woke up , and is being a grumpy ass, but thank you complete stranger who knows nothing about my child – I’ll try that!!
10. She’s a big one isn’t she?
Are you calling my daughter fat?!!!
Top parenting tip
If people are pissing you off….or you just feel like a laugh – come along to one of our shows and feel like yourself again (not just a Mum…remember that feeling??). We have grown up comedy for you, plus soft flooring, toys and more for baby, so that you can relax and have a well deserved giggle. And it’s not just comedy about parenting that gets performed at our shows…we book the best comics on the circuit, performing comedy of all styles – so you get a proper ‘baby brain’ break! To find your nearest show, visit Bring Your Own Baby Comedy
Find activities for parents on Happity
Visit Happity to search for activities aimed at parents of children under 12 months. As well as stand-up comedy, you could take your baby along to see a new cinema release, do mum and baby pilates or yoga, try a dance class, learn photography, or join a choir. Try using the filter “For Parents” to get tailored search results.
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