There’s lots of information and advice out there about post natal depression. One of the things that’s harder to find is the honest and brutal truth about what it feels like when you suffer from PND. It’s a difficult thing to talk about. But doing so can make other mums feel less alone. And help us all understand it more.
We have pulled together some candid and honest words from mums about what it’s like to have PND. Many are from interviews and blogs that Emily, our co-founder and a mental health campaigner, put together for Mummy links, which was the app she ran before joining Happity.
Opening up about the hard stuff
Many of the words from mums are confronting and challenging. They tell the honest and brutal truth about how mums feel. The more we open up and really talk about PND, the more we can learn. And the more we can demand better support for new mums.
It’s important to know that, however hard it feels, you CAN and WILL recover.
It’s OK to not be OK
PND can happen to anyone and it is NOT your fault. But there’s still a lot of stigma attached to it Here’s what mums had to say:
“This is not how it was supposed to be or how I thought it would be and I felt like such a failure because of that”
“I wish more people understood that it can so come out in anger or anxiety. I’m not trying to be mean or annoying. I am actually just not feeling okay”
“I thought ‘Were social services going to take him away?'”
“The overwhelming fear for a mum may be “If someone thinks I can’t cope they’ll take my baby away” which can be more crippling than the shame”
“It is something that can happen to any parent – and can often be the one who looks like they’re coping and has it all together”
“When I was struggling the most, I made the biggest effort to look like I had it together”
“Masking is a very common way that women /mothers manage symptoms….so sad as it means feeling even lonelier and isolated”
“I felt like a failure for having it and that there was something wrong with me. Why wasn’t I over the moon at having my little rainbow baby and relishing in every moment spent with her? Instead I was feeling down and miserable all the time. I wish I would’ve known that it’s okay to feel like that, my suppressing it and ignoring it made it 100x times worse”
“Let’s normalise not being OK. And let’s normalise getting help. It’s time to stop making mums feel guilty for not coping”.
“We definitely need to talk about this more, as too many mothers blame themselves when it isn’t their fault”
The brutal truth about PND
The honest truth is that having PND can be very frightening. As a result, you can be taken to some dark places. You can feel desperate and broken. These most confronting brutal truths are the things we talk about least as they’re the very hardest things to say out loud.
In an interview with The Guardian, Emma Jane Unsworth, opened up about the brutal truth of PND, saying:
I am jumpy and twitchy, like a person on high alert. I want to shout and scream and lie down and curl into a ball and have someone – anyone – just take the baby for a few hours and give me time to regroup. I’m feeling like I am on the edge of a psychic fit; some uncontrollable outburst….I feel, for the first time in my life, like it would sometimes be easier to just be dead. (At least then I could sleep.)
The Guardian, Emma Jane Unsworth
Incredibly tough feelings to admit. And incredibly tough feelings to feel too.
It’s important to remember, when you have intrusive thoughts, that it’s the PND talking, not you.
Finding a safe and supportive space to talk about them is one of the most vital things for any new mum suffering. When you get help you will be able to stop feeling this way and start to feel more like you again.
The brutal truth: Saying the unsayable
Here are some of the things mums want to say about how they felt, which feel ‘unsayable’:
“I can’t do this. I don’t want to do this”
“I’ve just wanted someone to take him away because I couldn’t do this”
“I’ve not felt how everyone said I would feel. I didn’t love him”
“I hate being a mum”
“At times, I regretted having him”
They say them so that anyone else feeling this way will feel less alone. And less ashamed. To recognise these feelings as symptoms of PND. And to know that they can get help so that they stop feeling like this and start recovering.
Voices of recovery
One of the bravest and most important steps anyone suffering with PND can take is to reach out for help. Once you’ve taken that first step you can begin your road to recovery. It might not be a quick journey but you WILL get there in the end. And that’s really important to remember.
Here are what mums want you to know about recovery from PND:
“Support is paramount, it’s not a weakness to ask for help. It’s the bravest step”
“Having suffered so bad, I wish no one else ever would or is! The worst two years of my life.It’s so important for individuals to speak out and seek help. There is light at the end of the tunnel”
“It takes time. And lots of strength. You can also take one step forward and then two steps back. But keep going because you can do it”
“(In recovery) every day/week you begin to feel a bit more like you and more able to enjoy being a mum”
“The journey out of it was long and hard but I’m so glad I kept going. YOU can do it too”
I keep hearing a phrase pop up time and time again from male friends, colleagues and just in general – I’m on babysitting duties tonight, so I can’t do X or Y.
Dads are not babysitters! Are they? In this month’s Diary of a First Time Dad, Stu has a few things to get off his chest! His cathartic musings lead to some dad blunders to avoid…
Getting a few things off my chest
One of the most fascinating things about people is the huge number of things which can set our teeth on edge, grind our gears or generally rub us up the wrong way. My despairing partner, and indeed my parents, would doubtless reel off a long list of the trivial things which can ruin my day.
Whether it is something stacking the dishwasher randomly (though I’d strongly argue solid dishwasher loading skills are one of the defining features of a civilised society), people not saying thank you when you let them pass in a corridor, a bag on a seat of a packed train along with many more far too numerous to list, there are many, many things which can grate me far beyond their real worth. People have recommended I try breathing exercises, but it also makes me angry when people breathe loudly, so that’s hardly going to help.
Really unique – there’s no such thing
So, in summary, there’s probably a fair argument that I’m not always the poster child for mindfulness. It gets worse. As somebody who studied literature, albeit so long ago that most classics authors were probably still alive, I’ve been cursed with an irrational fear of misused words; malapropisms. It’s all fun and games when Del Boy from Only Fools and Horses mangles languages, but I come out in hives when someone asks for an eXpresso (there is no X in eSpresso) or, even worse, says something is ‘really unique’. Something is, after all, either unique or not….
Dads are not babysitters!
Why am I unburdening myself with this? On a blog about being a new Dad? Apart from it being cathartic (thanks for listening!), it’s because I keep hearing a phrase pop up time and time again from male friends, colleagues and just in general – I’m on babysitting duties tonight, so I can’t do X or Y.
Babysitting. Your own child or children. Not parenting, but babysitting.
Seems a bit odd, doesn’t it? I can’t say hand on heart that it enrages me, but it does stick out and seem out of place, which got me to thinking about some other classic missteps of dads – some mine, some more general – to go along with the babysitting.
I’m sure a lot of mums reading this will raise a smile or a knowing eyebrow about how us dads have a bit of a tendency to pop in, do a fairly simple task and then expect if not trophies then at the very least praise lasting for days or weeks. I’ll hold my hands up as being as guilty of this as any man, though for me it is less about parenting than DIY. Any small household task completed and I’ll be doing victory laps of the house for days to come! So what are some of the other traps dads can fall into, by accident or design?
Dad traps to avoid
NEVER complain about being tired. Just don’t do it. Rule number one. You may think you’re tired. You may actually be utterly exhausted. But in the majority of cases, it’s often the mum doing the majority of the chasing around and feeding. Before I can hear the angry tapping of keys, I know this isn’t the case for everyone and every family set up, but there is a broad truth here. If you’re a dad who is the primary carer of your child or children, we’d love to hear your story for our This is Family series.
The Mickey Flanagan paradox. There’s a very funny sketch by Mickey Flanagan talking about how he’s promised his partner he’ll be home on time with a takeaway but gets waylaid in the pub with his friends and fondly, deludely imagines his partner at home, devoid of food, happily thinking ‘I bet he’s having a lovely time. I’ll make myself a sandwich. I’ll make him one too in case he’s hungry later’. Particularly with younger children (and I’m speaking from current experience here), entertaining them for a whole day without help can be exhausting as it is joyful. So if you say you’re going to be home at 6, then expect a frosty reception if you wander in at 7. In fact, 6.03 is playing with fire. Mum needs a break. Mum needs to pee. Mum needs to wash the chewed rice cake out of her hair. If you’re going to be late, make sure the reason is really, really good.
A little learning is a dangerous thing. Yeah, even that quote is usually mangled. It’s not a little knowledge, but learning. I’m a riot at parties, as you can tell! Here’s why it can be dangerous in the parenting context. Being really involved with the whole pregnancy is wonderful and laudable. Learning what your partner is going through at each stage is admirable. Reading all the books you can on feeding, sleeping and everything else to be a support? Superb. But… stay in your lane. I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve seen dads wade in and start explaining breastfeeding and pregnancy to women, without a shred of expertise – just access to Google and a head full of opinions. Don’t be that guy. Don’t even be friends with that guy.
Be a dad, not a babysitter
I guess what I’m trying to say is that, as dads, we’re all going to get it wrong a lot of the time. And there’s nothing wrong with that. None of us are perfect. But the ones above are less about trying and not getting it right, but maybe not being empathetic enough to the mothers of our children.
So for all the babysitters out there, this year’s mission is to be the best ally to the mother of your children you can be; be a dad not a babysitter. That doesn’t mean every can or wants to take on primary care roles. All family set-ups are different and we celebrate all of them. But, if you’re there and the little one is making straining noises, be the first to jump up and change their bum. Do the bits you can, when you can, without being asked – and enjoy doing them. Trust me, doing the right thing is also the most fun thing you’ll ever do.
Easy peasy Easter crafts for toddlers that you’d be hopping mad not to try!
With Easter just around the corner we’ve put together some super cute makes for little ones. From cheery chicks to little bunnies. All made from things you’re likely to have in the house (or can buy really easily from craft stores or supermarkets)
These little bunnies would look gorgeous placed on top of boiled eggs at your Easter breakfast table. To make them cut out the egg holders from an egg box. Paint them white, grey or brown (acrylic paint covers really well). We cut the bunny ears from the pointy bits of the egg box and glued them to the back. We then added some finishing touches to our rabbits by sticking on googly eyes, a pom-pom nose and drawing on mouths and whiskers.
Cheery chicks
We love these cheery chicks! Cut an oblong out of card. Your toddler can have great fun covering it by sticking on yellow feathers. We picked up a pack from The Works for £1! If you don’t have feathers then they could stick on scrunched up balls of yellow tissue paper instead. Once your chick is covered cut out little shapes for the beak and feet and glue them in place, popping on some googly eyes to finish.
Pretty printed flowers
This is such a fun way to print some cheery spring time flowers. Make lots of cuts (about 3-4cm long) along one end of a toilet roll or kitchen roll tube. Then fold back all the cut lines so that they fan out (see photo). Now for the fun bit! Your toddler can dip the flower ‘printers’ in paint and print onto a piece of paper or card. They can keep printing with different colours to make a lovely flower shape. To finish we painted the centres of our flowers in yellow.
Chirpy chickens
We love how characterful these little chicks are! To make them we folded down both sides of the top of a toilet roll to make a curved shape. Then painted the tube yellow. And to finish we glued on googly eyes, yellow feather wings and a little beak cut out from orange card. Your toddler might have all sorts of different ideas to decorate their little chick.
Tissue mosaic Easter eggs
This is a really simple and calming craft for little ones. Cut egg shaped from card and cut lots of little squares of tissue paper. Then your little one can spend a happy crafternoon sticking down the tissue to the egg, overlapping each square. Once they have finished decorating their egg and it is dry you can trim round the edges to neaten it up. These make pretty Easter cards or even Easter bunting if you make enough!
Funny bunny masks
Draw your mask on a piece of card and then cut it out. Cut out two large holes for your toddler to be able to look through. Then you can let your little one loose to decorate their funny bunny mask. They could cover their bunny face with little squares of white tissue paper, white pom-poms or cotton wool balls or even white feathers. Add a pom-pom for the nose. You can add elastic so that your toddler can wear their mask and hop about!
Easter crafts for toddlers: Hatching chicks
How cute are these little hatching chicks? We used corrugated card to make ours but plain card works too. Carefully break an egg shell so that you are left with the bottom half. Then take a strip of card and roll it into a tube – the right size to fit inside your egg shell. Cut out shapes for the wings, beak and feathers. Then stick all the little details on to your hatching chick. You could also make pom-poms from yellow wool and use them as the chick’s body instead. Then stick on googly eyes and feathers to decorate.
“Handy” Easter greetings cards
What a lovely card for your toddlers to give to a family member! Simply get your toddler to draw around their hand on a piece of (either coloured or white) card towards either the left or right of it. Fold over the card in half close to wear they have drawn around their thumb, and cut around the shape. Then, get your little ones to create their own cute little animal and hey presto! You have your very own “handy” Easter card!
A cup full of “hoppiness”- easy Easter bunny chocolate cup
A lovely little friend to keep your toddler’s chocolate treats in. All you will need is a cheap paper cup, some white and pink card, some child-friendly glue, toddler-safe scissors and a black pen for the eyes (Or googly eyes if you have them!) Cut out two ovals on white card, two slightly smaller ovals on pink card, and then some extra pieces for the features, and glue it all on! This is one of the Easter crafts for toddlers that can make some good practice for developing some of your child’s motor skills -even if all they can manage right now is sticking the features on the cup. And the end result will help them feel chuffed with making a useful little friend that stores all their sweet treasure inside!
In need of some easy dinner recipes? Cooking can end up being a far too stressful when you’re cooking for a whole family. For some, the element of time is not on their side. For others, the main goal of their food shop is to buy as many ingredients as they can at their cheapest price, but can leave you feeling unsure of what to make or making repetitive meals.
Well, after previously submitting her story to our This Is Family series, Meraymi returns to the Happity blog and has been kind enough to send over some cheap and easy dinner recipes. Including a hearty bean chili, a tasty baked yoghurt chicken, and an easy roasted tomato pasta. They have care, heart, and absolutely anyone can cook them.
Thanks Meraymi. Chow down everyone!
Being versatile is so important as it makes life easier and you don’t have to stick to strict cooking rules because the result is always to get the dinner done with minimal effort without it being unhealthy or a huge strain. In my book, any recipe on a busy day that doesn’t require chopping or washing up multiple cooking utensils and pots is always a bonus.
I hope you like these recipes. You can adapt and alter then to suit your, and your families, needs and they are really easy to put together. Enjoy!
Easy dinner recipes 1: Slow-cooker bean chili with rice
What I love about slow cooker recipes is you can just leave them to do their thing and you can go away and forget about it without the anxiety of thinking dinner will be ruined. This is one of them. This is great to batch cook and freeze for lazy days when you don’t want to cook from scratch again. It also makes a fabulous packed lunch for working parents as it easily heats up in the microwave.
For this recipe I tend to use up my store cupboard ingredients. I always make sure to have a few tins of black beans, kidney beans or just mixed beans. All three work together or you can just use a variety of two. This also works if you want to do half beef mince and beans. However you would have to fry the beef separately before putting into the slow cooker.
The spices are how I like the strength of my chili with a bit of a kick but don’t be afraid to experiment, add as much or as little as your family like, there are no rules! If you want to go extra with this add some smashed avocado, coriander, sour cream or even grated cheese.
Ingredients:
Black beans (1 can)
Mixed beans (1 can)
Kidney beans (1 can)
Chopped tomatoes (1 can)
1 heaped teaspoon of paprika (smoked or regular)
1 heaped teaspoon of cumin powder
A teaspoon of chili powder
Half a teaspoon of ground coriander
Sprinkle of dried chili flakes
1 Beef or Vegetable (or vegetarian or vegan friendly) stockpot or cube
Water
Salt and pepper
(Serves 6)
1. Strain the beans and rinse before adding to the slow cooker.
2. Add the tinned tomatoes, garlic paste, spices and stockpot or cube with a generous grinding of salt and pepper.
3. Using the tomato can fill up with water and add to the slow cooker.
4. Give everything a stir and place the lid on. If you are preparing this 3 hours in advance cook on setting 2, for any longer setting 1. This can be left to cook up to 6 hours in advance.
5. Check every so often to give it a stir and taste, add salt and pepper to your preference and if any more spice needs adding go ahead. If the chili goes a bit thick for your liking just add a dash of water to loosen it up.
6. Serve with long grain white rice, or if you are using a cheats method microwave rice ! This also goes well with tortilla bread if you want to try something different.
Easy dinner recipes 2: Baked yoghurt chicken with potatoes and mushy peas
This is a recipe for if you happen to have a little more time on your hands and don’t want a stew or curry type dinner.
I hated peas growing up, I found them bland and uninteresting, I think if my mum had served them up like this I would have been more inclined to try them and enjoy them too! The creaminess of the peas on the side is so popular in my house it’s one of my husband’s favourites and he will make it with anything such as homemade fish and chips or steak. Yogurt gives it a nice texture but if you don’t happen to have this, a knob of butter, dash of cream or crème fraiche will also do.
The core ingredients are the chicken, potatoes and peas but everything you cook with them can essentially be found in the store cupboard. The potato tray back I enjoy with red onion but can be done with a brown onion and sprinkling of cheese. Or if you have any other vegetables in the fridge to use up, please do! Peppers, courgettes and even aubergine pair very well, just dice up and add in. Or even just a side salad if you don’t fancy the mushy peas. Adding vegetables really does get your 5 a day in and I love roasting them it’s just the easiest way to get them onto the plate.
Ingredients:
6-8 Chicken Thighs
240g Greek or natural yogurt
500g-600g White potatoes
1 large Red onion
Olive oil
1 tsp Paprika
Garlic powder
1x Lemon
For the Mushy peas:
300g Frozen peas
1x tsp Garlic paste (optional)
1x tbsp Natural yogurt (optional)
Salt and pepper
(Serves 2 adults and 2-3 children)
1. Place the chicken thighs in a bowl and add yogurt, squeeze the lemon juice in with paprika, garlic powder, salt and pepper. Combine thoroughly, cover the bowl and keep in the fridge. You can make this ahead and leave in the fridge from 1-24 hours before using.
2. Dice the onion and put onto a separate baking tray. Roughly chop the potatoes into bite size cubes and add a drizzle of olive oil and season with salt and pepper give the onion and potatoes a stir so everything is combined.
3. Place the chicken on a foil lined baking tray. When the chicken cooks the fat from the yogurt will run out but this is fine as it will leave a nice coating on the meat. The foil just makes it easier to avoid spillage and discard it when it’s finished cooking.
4. Place the chicken and potatoes into a preheated oven at 200 Celsius/ 180 fan/ gas mark 4 for 30 minutes. You may want to give the potatoes a stir half way through cooking.
5. Boil a saucepan of water and add the frozen peas. Once cooked drain and put back into the saucepan. Add a dollop of yogurt, a sprinkling of salt and teaspoon of garlic paste. Then blitz with a stick blender until you have a mushy pea consistency.
6. Serve with the chicken thighs, potatoes and peas.
Easy dinner recipes 3: Roasted tomato pasta
This recipe is incredibly easy and versatile. It’s quick and can be done at minimal effort. It’s ingredients can be picked up at bargain prices and can be batch made. Therefore if you are a bigger family or want to make a larger pot for freezing or leftover packed lunches (especially if you are working the next day) just double up on pasta, add another onion and throw in some extra tomatoes or even some red or yellow peppers.
I like to blitz up the vegetables into a sauce but this isn’t compulsory and is just as good stirred in straight from the oven if you don’t have a blender to hand.
Who doesn’t love cheesy pasta? Any grated cheese will suffice, I tend to use whatever is available in my fridge at the time. Cheddar, mozzarella, Parmesan or even Machego! They all work beautifully.
Ingredients:
5 or 6 tomatoes
1 punnet of cherry tomatoes
1 large red onion
4 garlic cloves
Olive oil
Salt and pepper
Fresh or dried basil
250g pasta
Single or double cream (optional)
Grated cheese of your choice
(Serves 2 hungry adults, or 4 children)
1. Quarter the onion and place in a baking tray with the tomatoes and garlic. Sprinkle over some salt and pepper and drizzle with olive oil.
2. Place in a preheated oven at 180 degree Celsius / 160 fan oven / gas mark 4 for 25 minutes.
3. Bring a large pan of water to the boil and cook the pasta according to the packet instructions. Once cooked drain.
4. When the vegetables have finished roasting, tip them into the empty pasta saucepan. Use a stick blender to blitz them all into a thick sauce, if you wish to go the extra mile by making it creamier add the cream to your desired consistency.
5. Toss in fresh or dried basil with a grinding of salt and pepper as you like. Then stir in the cooked pasta and serve with a generous sprinkle of grated cheese.
Thanks Meraymi for these great dinner recipes! You really have demonstrated that cooking a dinner for your family can be as easy as 1, 2, 3!
To help put a face to these recipes, Meraymi has also shared a picture with us of herself and her beautiful son, Matteo. You can follow Meraymi at @poetryinactionn on Instagram.
She has previously shared a story with us on our This Is Family series the past, offering some insight into what it was like having a premature birth. You can read that post here.
We hope that you give some of these recipes a go and can try something new today. Happy cooking folks!
If you find yourself trying out these recipes, then please do share your results on Instagram! And make sure to tag our page @Happity.co.uk!
Recent Comments